My first blog since my mother’s passing (Aug. 8, 2007)

Current mood: melancholy

It's been a little over a week since my mother passed away. Here I sit, two-thirty in the morning, unable to sleep, and it's pretty clear that this is why. To date, I have yet to burst into racking sobs -- I don't know why -- seems everyone else does when a loved one passes. It's not that I didn't love my mother -- I did -- just that I seem to handle grief differently.

Several times a day, I'm overcome with waves of "coulda-shoulda-didn't", i.e., lost opportunities. Examples: I never asked her about those faces in the photo albums. I never got that recording restored which her brother sent from the Korean War shortly before he died. I don't remember if I ever apologized for that stupid thing I did 20-some years ago. The list is seemingly endless. I am heartened that, yes indeed, I did tell her I loved her.

At other times I feel a sense of emptiness, not exactly loss, more a "why-am-I-here". There no longer seems to be a mainspring in me at some points during the day. The only thing to do then is lie down, for to pursue anything of importance is an effort in futility. I might be out for 15 minutes, maybe an hour, maybe more. I can't see it coming, either. I'm working along just fine, then the emotional floor falls out, and I'm jelly. No warning, no pattern. It started the day she died, and has been a daily occurrence since.

Finally, there's this insomnia, something that started around the time of the funeral (last Wednesday) and has been getting steadily worse. Tonight also happens to be the warmest night so far this summer, which doesn't help. I took a shower before bedtime, hoping that would help. It hasn't.

Anyway, I sure hope this all flushes out of my head soon. I don't mind the memories, but all this side-effect stuff has got to go if I'm to be of any value to anyone.